A site dedicated to the idea that victims of sexual abuse need no longer to live with the guilt and the shame. Editorials,narratives,and links to resources,support for those with addictions,plus Religious&Spiritual guidance.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

PLACE of HONOUR your tales and letters

This is page devote to -you,the adult survivor of childhood abuse.
I will publish your letters and stories here.This first was left anonymously as a comment,(forgive me,but the literary snob inside of me made me correct some spelling and paragraph placement as been implemented to ease reading)but I feel it deserves a


Posted anonymously:

As I read your blog I was reading it because I'm involved with someone, who was abused as a child and has his share of addictions, and your blog made me curious to see the correlation between the two(addiction and sexual abuse) as I read the information actually realized it relates to me to, I am a survivor of childhood abuse, I did not become and alcoholic or drug addict, but I can relate to the weight issues.

I realized years ago that I had purposely over the years as a teen gained weight as not to attract attention, I did not like males looking at me, whistling at me or anything due to being molested as a child I felt any kind of male attention was horrible and did not like it at all.

So I hid behind myself, as I got older I thought I was always wrong for having feeling for someone in a sexual way because of what has happen in the past. Its hard to let anyone get close to you, really close when your a child of abuse. You either think its wrong, or you don't deserve it. At least thats how I have felt for years.

The relationships I have gotten into, in the past have been hard for me and my partners sexually and in every way. This may sound weird to some but others I'm sure will understand completely. When you are abused as a child you feel, that intimacy is bad, wrong, that you shouldn't feel the way do, because it feels wrong, or you think your a bad person.

I believe that me not being able to be myself, and not able to truly let anyone get close to me has made relationships fail, my self esteem low, and this is all because of what has happen to me as a child. I was abused from age 6 to 12, I am now 37, and am currently in therapy.

I Believe God puts people in our paths for reason and I truly think He put my current boyfriend in my path for a reason. since we've been together on and off for the last two years due to his addiction and me putting up my walls, I have finally gone to therapy for my abuse which I had thought I had dealt with years ago.

Me and my boyfriend have a lot in common, with being abused, and if its God's plan will make it work for us. If not I believe he put us together for a purpose and maybe thats just to learn to be able to put our past to rest and deal with our addictions, whether it be drugs, alcohol or eating disorders or mental disorders of depression which I've had my bouts in.

I'm glad you've finally come to a point in your life where you can heal and move on. Best of luck, and God bless.

Author Unknown

Pepsi's Story:

I was raised in what I suppose was a normal home. My father worked in his own business and my mother raised 2 kids and took care of the home. Being the baby and only girl of 9 children total I never was really sure what was right or wrong when it came to touching. It was almost unheard of at that time to be sexually touched or abused. So when I was 9 yrs old and began developing into a lady I never though much of my cousins touch when we were playing or wrestling around. I was always one of the boys when my cousin April wasn’t around to play with.

I recall the first wrong touch when I was about 10. We had gone to visit my grandparents and my cousin April and I were sleeping in the living room and my brother and the male cousins were out back camping out. My cousin came in where I was asleep and started feeling on my chest, from there he went lower and under my pants and underwear as well. I made him stop, knowing it didn’t feel right to me, but never knowing it was so wrong. I got up and went to the room where my parents were sleeping and slept on the floor a while. My dad woke up and fussed at me for being in the bedroom and not in the living room with my cousin. Knowing how my dad was I didn’t dare tell that one of the boys touched me there.
Later on in my life I guess around age 12, my brother that I was raised with started to fondle my chest and it went from there. I began dating a guy at age 15 and he allowed my brother to do pretty much what he wanted to, to my body. Again I was never told what was “bad touching” or that this was wrong. I never told on my brother because if I had my dad would have probably killed him or came close to it. By the time I was being abused by both of these people, my dad had passed away and my mom was living the wild life of a teenager every weekend.

I became pregnant at age 15 from all this abuse and was terrified, knowing both my boyfriend and my brother had been intimate with me. I never told my mother or anyone at school I was pregnant. I made it to 5 months pregnancy and went in to early labor. I had told my doctor earlier that when the child was born I wanted to know who the father was. My child was a little girl that lived 30 minutes after birth because I couldn’t bear to have her put on life support, knowing she could be the result of incest. I later learned she was my boyfriend’s child and still have regrets for not putting her on life support.
I know there are so many people in the world that are abused daily by family, friends, and strangers. I just hope reading my story can give others the courage to move on with life and to tell someone. Don’t be afraid like I was. If it feels wrong it probably is. Tell anyone you can trust.

If you have an experience that you wish to share,please either leave a comment or send your tale of survival to

Childhood sexual abuse need not control your future,there is help and support.Tell others,do not let it swell and fester inside you.
Alcoholism and Drug Addiction,or gambling addiction,eating disorders are all treatable diseases.

I use the term disease only because that is the current train of thought amongst most,but not all,treatment philosophy's.
I feel that if it is a disease,then sexual or other abuse may lower our bodies natural immune system,and that is why you will find such a high percentage of addicts were also abuse victims when they where in their childhoods.
Like most theories there are alternative points of view,and I have actually read that there is no statistical evidence to back up the claim that childhood abuse leads to addiction.I say,poll groups.In fact I shall take it upon myself to conduct a poll.

I accidentally deleted the code and lost the poll that ran,but the numbers where very clear.Over 66% of abuse victims who answered(approx 70 people responded,thank you) have addictions,with about an equall number veing actively addictive and half being in recovery.
There will be those who will say that only addicts answered the poll,and that the actually numbers are much less,but I disagree,this was a completly anonymous polling,there was no reason for it not to be accurate within the normal parameters.It also bears up to my personal knowledge.
The reasons may be disputed,but the reality is,abused children are much more likely to grow up to be adult addicts then those who did not suffer abuse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm curious as to if being an abuser, you'd call it a disease. It is definately a sickness. But honestly, I don't see a cure. A reconditioning perhaps would be better. Along with drastic measures such as: a lobotomy, castration. This sounds barbaric and it is. But abusers don't worry or care. They are cowards. Probably been abused too. I'd like to hear profiles of abusers. We have to unite as survivors. Get these cowards put away.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Victim no Longer! said...

Again I break my own rule of not replying to comments.I agree with most everything said by the Anonymous comment prevoius to this one,pedophiles are cowards,it is a sick disease that as no known cure.I must wonder at the sincerity of "we have to unite as survivors"remark,when the writer is afraid to reveal his idenity.Hard to unite with Anonymous .
Stand up!Shout it Out!I was Abused!I am a Survivor!That man molested me!
As long as we are hiding in anonymity,we are still being abused.It is a hard step to take,took me 34 years,but now I feel so free since the secret is out,it is a wonderful feeling.
Perhaps the writer as a good reason to remain anonymous,I was hasty to judge,and I apologize,but I want to make this point anyhow.THE ABUSE ENDS NOW

3:06 PM  
Blogger pepsi said...

Anonymous, I can totally understand where you are coming from about the walls and no tletting anyone close to you. Reading your story sounded like my words and feelings for years coming from someone elses mouth.

5:38 PM  

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